I Can See Them When They Scream At Night

Tonight I did something that I've (surprisingly) never done before. I'm big on the whole "How-to" thing. I love online tutorials, forums, crafts, recipes, etc. I just googled "How to find God".
That's one conflict that has been bugging me lately I suppose. It's one of those rhetorical questions because I don't want anyone's opinion. I don't want a soul telling me how to feel about God or how to connect with God. I don't even know if there's just one, or multiple, if any. I don't know. Juggled between Catholicism and Judaism with some other philosophies thrown in, leads to a wee bit of confusion. Not to mention a bunch of pretentious friends who are too good to believe in the unobservable.
My computer is still loading the google page because the internet is slow. Stupid bad signal.
All it was christian faith links. Is there another way? I can't believe in something just because someone tells me to.

Maybe I should try church. Maybe, like a unitarian church. Who knows? I'll figure it out.
I'm scared though. The concept of a God scares me and comforts me. Kinda like the thought of absolute nothingness after I die. It's comforting to know that I do what I do in this life and don't have to worry what happens after. It's also scary to think that's the ultimate end of things.
I feel like this is something I'll have to do aone, very alone. I mean, I'm talking double-life alone.
We'll see.
These websites aren't helping.
They make me nervous.





On another note, something else I've been thinking about lately. A friend of mine from HS and I did some catching up today. She mentioned having dated her boyfriend for a while now, and they've moved in together. She said it's one of the best decisions she ever made. I'm feeling compelled in that direction for a while now. I'm definitely itching to move out of here, but I have to figure out finances, and whether it will be just myself. Would my boyfriend move in with me? Would he want me to move in with him? Should I move in with him? Can I afford it? Would cohabitation be good for our relationship?
I don't know. We'll see. Honestly, living with my family is wearing me out.

This House Just Ain't No Home Any Time She Goes Away

lyrics from the beautiful song "Ain't No Sunshine"

I'm listening to my boyfriend on the phone with his family talking about a relative. Judging by his side, I'm assuming someone has unexpectedly passed. It's really interesting when this sort of thing happens.I'm wondering if he'll talk to me about it afterwards seeing as how he really doesn't like to talk about his family or death. The combination naturally, just feels like it would be unspoken. I'm a little worried sometimes because of this but there isn't so much I could do.
Work was closed today because of the weather (we had 2-3 feet of snow over the weekend. it was crazy for this area), so i had my first two-day weekend since the last snow storm (a few weeks ago) and for the first time in months before then.

So i've been thinking a lot lately about the future. More specifically, I've been thinking a lot about what I've been doing now. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing to be honest. Life still doesn't feel real. I always have this feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen, but nothing ever does. or, it does, but it never feels like what I'm looking for.
Who knows?

She Meant You No Harm

So, ever feel like you're tired of listening to the world?

I mean, I feel like I'm such a hypocritical anomaly.

I think it's important for people to be educated, not just in school-- to have life experiences, to learn from them, to know what they're getting themselves into, to be self-aware and aware of their surroundings.

That being said, I'm growing weary with education as it's presented.
I'm tired of credentials. I'm tired of testing. I'm tired of everyone being on their soapbox. Everyone has something to tell you. Everyone has something they feel you are severely uneducated on. I have been included in this crowd. I have plenty of things I could step on my soapbox and tell you that you NEED to know.

I'm tired of everyone else doing it.
I'm tired of doing it.

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough with myself and that I'm completely undermining my potential. Other times, I feel like I'm too simple for this modern time. I feel like an anachronism sometimes.

I feel bound by red-tape. I also feel that structure need be established so chaos doesn't ensue. Eh, I'm just a big bundle of ill logic.

I feel like people are always so focused on talking and judging. People are always arguing. announcing. speaking. yelling. backlashing. debating. manipulating. finding loopholes. making new rules.
Just DO something?

Maybe I'm one of those stupid apathetic youth who just expects everything to be done for me.
Maybe I just want to not care and hope everything turns out for the best.

I feel that I would be better suited to a lifestyle of only cash and people. I don't need so much documentation. I don't want so much hassle.
I don't want people involved unless I want them involved. I don't want people knowing my business unless I tell them.
I don't want to be stuck in a situation I don't want to be in. I don't want everything to be a transaction.
I want people to look up and smile.

Ugh. I don't think I fit in, in whatever lifestyle this is.

Maybe it's the city life. Maybe it's just being so close to the White House, to liberals, to conservatives, to busyness and business. ugh. it all just frustrates me so.
Maybe I'd be better as a nomad, since I so often crave change.
But then I would wish for stability. Can I have both?

I Know You're Bleeding Baby, But You're Not Bleeding Blood

So I've been thinking a lot recently, mostly because I go through so many cycles.

Social consistently, then not. Drunk and high all the time, or sober for months. Content with myself and my weight, or wanting nothing more than to take the weight off. Caring what people say and deciding I don't give a flying fuck. Feeling energetic and content with life, feeling down and depressed. Feeling anxious with too much on my plate, or feeling restless with nothing to do with myself. I'm caught up in a few of those now, but they'll probably change in a week with the start of school. Oh man.

I'm already getting the "Hey, so about the Bachelors degree.. get it." speech from my mom. I'm also getting the whole "So what are you majoring in? You don't know yet? oh....." From my peers, teachers, counselors and family. ugh.

Is it strange that I don't see myself doing anything? Not that I don't see myself doing nothing, but I just don't see myself in the future, period. I know it's strange, but honestly I don't see it. I've always had the illusion for some reason that I would die young. That's not what I WANT to happen by any means, but I guess that's an unspoken thing I've always assumed to myself. I've never told anyone that before. Shhh.

I can't figure out what to do. I always feel like a fraud for saying something without any sort of actuality to it. Hmn, wrong word to use. I guess, saying "Hey, maybe teaching or social work..." when I don't necessarily see myself doing either. I don't NOT see myself doing either, but I just can't picture myself past now. Things change so frequently in my life, I try not to see past the relatively immediate future.
Last year, I went from Liberal arts school in NY, thinking I was gonna go there for 4 years and graduate with a bachelors in psychology. Now I'm at home working 20+ hours a week, at a job I've been at for nearly a year, in a community college pulling some of the best grades I've gotten, and I've fallen in love like I haven't before. It's a crazy change and I never saw it coming., but it Sounds great right?

In some respects (most, actually) it is. The whole being content with myself, my sanity, and my financial situation are all confused and sad now. Money's really tight around the house, and I'm doing what I can to NOT ask my mom for much. I'm also trying to regain my sanity and self- image. It sucks right now. Also, no-baby drugs make me bat-shit insane, what with hormones and all. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to bring everyone (especially the boyfriend) down with me in my lack of sanity.

I've been looking through photos recently, and thinking about people I'm close with and whom I miss. The list has grown progressively smaller in the last year or two. I don't know, it kinda feels nice to know who I can really call, you know?

Ach, classes start tomorrow and I JUST found out my speech class got cancelled and all the other ones are full. FUCK.

I Know What I Am, They Know What They Are, So Let Me Be

So, I've been keeping a body journal for the last week. I've been keeping track of what I eat and such, so I can figure out what my patterns are and how to change them. I'll figure it out. My goal for weight loss is massive because I feel healthier with less weight to carry around, and more comfortable in my skin at a smaller size. I'll do it in 5 lb increments, but my ultimate goals are 50lbs (my comfortable weight) and 75lbs (my super-awesome weight), but 50 I think will suffice.
Still a lot, either way. Can't expect it all too fast. Hoping for 20 or so by Summer. that's a good 5 or 6 months. I think I can do that (if not better), depending on the changes I make. Not only do I feel better in a smaller size, but It's easier to get in shape with less weight to carry around all the time. Exercise is easier without so much bodily resistance (not explaining it well, but you get what I mean). I hope to start my diet tomorrow. I'm going to determine what my patterns are today and what sort of changes I wanna make to them.

Wish me luck!

Meanwhile, iit's been my break from school. My grades are good! 3 As and 2 Bs this semester! 3.7! Whooooo! I don't go back for Spring until the 25th! Hell yeah. I'm glad for that. I still haven't been resting as much as I need to, but I'll work on it. I've been hanging with my friends a little more, so yay!

Nap time..... zzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz

Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint.

"Forever in debt to your priceless advice... your advice..."

So, there's not a whole hell of a lot to say except happy fucking new year.
I'm gonna make 2010 another crazy year. 2009 was more than I could've imagined and I'm hoping 2010 is gonna be interesting too. Hopefully, in a good way instead of such a mixed bag. ugh. too much insanity, but my grades were AWESOME this semester. Anyway, I'm running off.
I'm starting a body journal. Let's not discuss that here. Just wish me luck.

You know, Nirvana really hits the spot.
And man, so does Coldplay.
And my sketchbook.
And My journal.
And Milktea.
and a hug.
*snuggle*
*sleep*

What makes love the exception?

So I've been taking some time over the last few days to reflect on 2009. Holy shit, this has been the longest/ craziest year. mind you, I switch tenses frequently.

January:

• I went NC with a big group of my friends and had an ABSOLUTE BLAST.
  
• Then I went back to school (NP!)only to get sick again just short of 2 weeks later. I got a fever of 103, I could hardly breathe, I was coughing up blood, I was weak, my throat was swollen and I went to the hospital. I rode in an ambulance for the first time that I remember ( it apparently costs $$$ in NY), I got to the hospital and got diagnosed with Mono, Bronchitis and a throat... ulcer I think is the word. No, Abcess. Anyway, it sucked. So I dropped out of school for the semester only having 2 days to wrap up loose ends, pack and say goodbye to my friends, teachers and employer on campus. ughhh.
• By this point, RAP and I are in an open relationship and I'm semi- interested in BAF, but not seriously mind you. yikes.

February:

• So, I'm home healing not allowed out of the house much (at all) without supervision and transportation of parents.
  
• I was joking with BAF about Valentine's so he freaks. He thinks I'm way into him, steps off and starts acting like a jerk to deter me. Not only was I not looking for a relationship, I didn't want to even hang with him at all after a while.
• Meanwhile, my brother ends up getting busted for possession on campus, etc. and gets charged, court and consequence up the whazoo. So, he's kicked out of school and home. Both mom's kids are home again when she thought she had finally gotten them out. Sucks for her.

March- May:

• so this is the first segment where things start to blur. RAP and I hang out and whatever over Spring Break and never really ended things. mid-April, he has a new g/f. She's awesome, but he likes to rub it in my face. He doesn't see it as that of course, he sees it as "you're my best friend, I HAVE to tell you about it!" great.--- I' wasn't over him yet. So I was really upset etc. etc.
• Meanwhile, at some point I reconnected with JM whom I knew in high school. We sorta went out on and off. More-so, we hung out and treated things like dates, then he left and denied it ever happened, everytime. So naturally, that resulted in drama and confusion because we both had a large set of baggage and indecision. We're still good friends though, thankfully.
• Also, i got a job @ a grocery store where I still work. I dig my co-workers and made some friends, etc. but i'll go into that later.
• I also went back to campus where I *was* at school (NP) to visit my friends, and I had a blast!
  

June-July:

• throughout all this: friend drama. So and so isn't talking to so and so who's mad at so and so for hooking up with so and so. ugh. Things kinda fell apart with the friends I went to NC with.
• Meanwhile, I met my current boyfriend, MS. Actually, we met at work back in March, but I didn't see him as a prospective boyfriend then. Anyway, I asked him to hang out one time, and it went reallly well, though I didn't know he considered it a date. So both decided to consider it a date, and we've been seeing each other, transitioning to inseparable since.
• 4th of July-- Super awkward. RAP and his g/f there with MS and I. RAP and MS shooting each other and me looks. WEIRDD and many of my friends were on drugs.
• MS and I went to a PSC event which was amazing and really brought us closer. thanks PostSecret.

August- November:

• So, this part is a blur. I was busy in school (community college this time) and work constantly. Work 30 hours a week and school full-time. I also hung out MS a lot.
• My friends stopped inviting me places and calling me to hang out, usually assuming I was busy or with MS, which was often true, but I had (and still have) no problem making time. I stopped calling and inviting them too because I felt lonely, exhausted, and bewildered most of the time (at least socially). I had a lot of trouble finding me-time and my sanity. I also had trouble keeping up with all the group dynamics going.
• Craziness. Other random nonsense happened. A lot of self-discovery and maturity. A lot of new experience. A lot of emotional breakdowns. Made a bad mistake at the end of the month.
  
• I realized one of my best friends hates MS, which sucks because they're both SO important to me. Still haven't figured out what to do about that one.
• I went back up to school again in Oct. to visit my friends in NP. I miss them, but there was drama there too of course.
  

December:

• Holiday chaos! Parties! Shopping!

• Final exams!

• and weekly appointments to the shrink.

Still blurry. We''ll see what happens in 2010.


Will I keep distancing myself and taking care of responsibility? (work, school, future?) we'll see.

I miss having friends.