I Know You're Bleeding Baby, But You're Not Bleeding Blood

So I've been thinking a lot recently, mostly because I go through so many cycles.

Social consistently, then not. Drunk and high all the time, or sober for months. Content with myself and my weight, or wanting nothing more than to take the weight off. Caring what people say and deciding I don't give a flying fuck. Feeling energetic and content with life, feeling down and depressed. Feeling anxious with too much on my plate, or feeling restless with nothing to do with myself. I'm caught up in a few of those now, but they'll probably change in a week with the start of school. Oh man.

I'm already getting the "Hey, so about the Bachelors degree.. get it." speech from my mom. I'm also getting the whole "So what are you majoring in? You don't know yet? oh....." From my peers, teachers, counselors and family. ugh.

Is it strange that I don't see myself doing anything? Not that I don't see myself doing nothing, but I just don't see myself in the future, period. I know it's strange, but honestly I don't see it. I've always had the illusion for some reason that I would die young. That's not what I WANT to happen by any means, but I guess that's an unspoken thing I've always assumed to myself. I've never told anyone that before. Shhh.

I can't figure out what to do. I always feel like a fraud for saying something without any sort of actuality to it. Hmn, wrong word to use. I guess, saying "Hey, maybe teaching or social work..." when I don't necessarily see myself doing either. I don't NOT see myself doing either, but I just can't picture myself past now. Things change so frequently in my life, I try not to see past the relatively immediate future.
Last year, I went from Liberal arts school in NY, thinking I was gonna go there for 4 years and graduate with a bachelors in psychology. Now I'm at home working 20+ hours a week, at a job I've been at for nearly a year, in a community college pulling some of the best grades I've gotten, and I've fallen in love like I haven't before. It's a crazy change and I never saw it coming., but it Sounds great right?

In some respects (most, actually) it is. The whole being content with myself, my sanity, and my financial situation are all confused and sad now. Money's really tight around the house, and I'm doing what I can to NOT ask my mom for much. I'm also trying to regain my sanity and self- image. It sucks right now. Also, no-baby drugs make me bat-shit insane, what with hormones and all. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to bring everyone (especially the boyfriend) down with me in my lack of sanity.

I've been looking through photos recently, and thinking about people I'm close with and whom I miss. The list has grown progressively smaller in the last year or two. I don't know, it kinda feels nice to know who I can really call, you know?

Ach, classes start tomorrow and I JUST found out my speech class got cancelled and all the other ones are full. FUCK.