I Can See Them When They Scream At Night

Tonight I did something that I've (surprisingly) never done before. I'm big on the whole "How-to" thing. I love online tutorials, forums, crafts, recipes, etc. I just googled "How to find God".
That's one conflict that has been bugging me lately I suppose. It's one of those rhetorical questions because I don't want anyone's opinion. I don't want a soul telling me how to feel about God or how to connect with God. I don't even know if there's just one, or multiple, if any. I don't know. Juggled between Catholicism and Judaism with some other philosophies thrown in, leads to a wee bit of confusion. Not to mention a bunch of pretentious friends who are too good to believe in the unobservable.
My computer is still loading the google page because the internet is slow. Stupid bad signal.
All it was christian faith links. Is there another way? I can't believe in something just because someone tells me to.

Maybe I should try church. Maybe, like a unitarian church. Who knows? I'll figure it out.
I'm scared though. The concept of a God scares me and comforts me. Kinda like the thought of absolute nothingness after I die. It's comforting to know that I do what I do in this life and don't have to worry what happens after. It's also scary to think that's the ultimate end of things.
I feel like this is something I'll have to do aone, very alone. I mean, I'm talking double-life alone.
We'll see.
These websites aren't helping.
They make me nervous.





On another note, something else I've been thinking about lately. A friend of mine from HS and I did some catching up today. She mentioned having dated her boyfriend for a while now, and they've moved in together. She said it's one of the best decisions she ever made. I'm feeling compelled in that direction for a while now. I'm definitely itching to move out of here, but I have to figure out finances, and whether it will be just myself. Would my boyfriend move in with me? Would he want me to move in with him? Should I move in with him? Can I afford it? Would cohabitation be good for our relationship?
I don't know. We'll see. Honestly, living with my family is wearing me out.